Now Is Better Than Then

3 Apr

After twenty five years, I became a teenager again. It didn’t happen like freaky friday or through some supernatural lightening storm. There was no trading places with a random kid on the street through a car wreck . It was much simpler: I woke up and I was fifteen.

I’ll admit that I have fantasized about this. I’m nostalgic for the nineties and the memories that feel too faint. But I never thought it would happen. Or could happen. When it did, all the teenage anxiety resurfaced, as if the years of therapy to undo the shit that is teen dome, were erased. Only I knew it. I knew what I know now.

I tried to get a job at a coffee shop, but they said I was too young. I wanted a martini. Too young. Sex. Too young. My own house. Too young.

I am an adult, I tried to explain.

Yeah yeah, all the adults said.

I reached into my bag of deep personal work and therapy language, buddhist meditation and Pema Chodron quotes, for a place of acceptance. This is who I am now even though it sucks, I said to myself. I can do without martinis, jobs, a house and even sex. But what I couldn’t do without, what was missing the first time around and now again, was the feeling of love. Loving and being loved. That love I had with my partner after and before I was a teenager again.

Like the first time, it felt like I would be a teenager forever. But like that time, like all times, it eventually ended.

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