The Only Advice I Can Give You Is Just Relax Already

13 Oct

I was trapped in a headlock. Almost underwater. With a squirrel about to bite my face. It hurt. My neck I mean, and it was hard to breathe. The moment of panic, panic, and then more panic. And who is this a-hole trying to drown me and give me rabies at the same time. I couldn’t move. This guy really knew how to do a choke hold. A pro wrestler maybe. I couldn’t see his face but I  could tell by the way he was breathing and the shape of his forearm, thick and hairy like an unshaven, waterlogged sausage, that he was a man.

Before the big change, “the big change,” you know what I mean, before that everything gets really fast in slow motion. Everything feels the worst and the scariest and the hardest. And when there’s no energy left, when it’s all squeezed out of you via neck via headlock, when you are at your edge and then it hurts more and then you pass your edge and then you look behind you and you can see your edge in the far distance, then surrender. You relax. All your muscles, bones, tendons and ligaments. All your emotions, fears, worry. You relax and the hurt stops. You close your eyes and let water fill your face, throat, lungs, bloodstream. And then it feels better because it feels like nothing. Even if it’s worse.


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