Archive | October, 2015

It Looks Like A Scribble But It’s All One Line

28 Oct

When it’s going well and you talk freely about your feelings your opinions your judgments and it all seems safe. Then you get home and you have diarrhea. Because you may have said something you shouldn’t have said. You didn’t mean it. Not against her just your strong opinions and your big mouth. And now it’s in the world as a judgment you have cast. You know your friend doesn’t care doesn’t think about it may say something to her partner may have an opinion but you know she knows we all struggle. We all suffer. Our judgement is our mirror. You know she knows. She burns sage and meditates just like you. She consults tarot cards and astrology just like you. But diarrhea comes again and you lose sleep. You have diarrhea gut and diarrhea brain. Everything is spilling. The mess is your own from creation to death but you make it everyone else’s. You make it the problem of the world so that you can continue to suffer. You know better. The leaves are yellow orange red brown blowing hard outside, changing too fast to see, high energy. You know this is how it is. You know. You know. You are trying you know you are trying you know you are trying to wrap your fingers around it and spin it the other way. Your hands don’t listen to your diarrhea mind but you know.

Things You Might Find In The Couch

20 Oct

I found the tiniest kitten under the couch cushion. He was small enough to fit into the palm of my hand, the size of a mouse. His fur was grey, like the cat I already live with. In fact, he was a replica of her, a figurine for a doll house. But he was alive, sleeping like the baby that he was.

I pulled him out from the couch crack among crumbs and coins and he started to purr. My life sized grey cat arrived and jumped up on the couch to investigate. I lay the kitten beside her and he nuzzled into her belly. She was able to feed him, as though he was her own.

I decided to name them Harold and Maude. The baby would be Maude, and my old lady cat would adopt the new name, Harold. I wasn’t trying to be funny or artsy, it’s just what came to me when I saw them bond. As Maude continued to feed off Harold, he grew to normal kitten size and I felt happy to have two cats instead of just one. I always felt that it would be nice for Harold to have friend around. I read somewhere that if you cannot be alone, you will always be lonely. But it’s good to have the option.

The Only Advice I Can Give You Is Just Relax Already

13 Oct

I was trapped in a headlock. Almost underwater. With a squirrel about to bite my face. It hurt. My neck I mean, and it was hard to breathe. The moment of panic, panic, and then more panic. And who is this a-hole trying to drown me and give me rabies at the same time. I couldn’t move. This guy really knew how to do a choke hold. A pro wrestler maybe. I couldn’t see his face but I  could tell by the way he was breathing and the shape of his forearm, thick and hairy like an unshaven, waterlogged sausage, that he was a man.

Before the big change, “the big change,” you know what I mean, before that everything gets really fast in slow motion. Everything feels the worst and the scariest and the hardest. And when there’s no energy left, when it’s all squeezed out of you via neck via headlock, when you are at your edge and then it hurts more and then you pass your edge and then you look behind you and you can see your edge in the far distance, then surrender. You relax. All your muscles, bones, tendons and ligaments. All your emotions, fears, worry. You relax and the hurt stops. You close your eyes and let water fill your face, throat, lungs, bloodstream. And then it feels better because it feels like nothing. Even if it’s worse.

Circles

1 Oct

There are so many choices it’s like there are none. The way a circle has no beginning and no end. The way it looks so warm when the sun is out but the air bites you on the ass and in the nostrils when you touch it.

The way I can’t wait to see you all day and when you get home we are both too tired to smoosh together. The project you are anxious to finish, the phone you can’t stop looking at, the life you think you want that when you get, when you’re done, when you look up everything is right where it was and looks completely different if you just wait one more minute, one more breath, five more heart beats.